so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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