You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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