sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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