Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
