I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
