I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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