I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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