So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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