If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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