:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
