Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
