if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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