You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
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there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
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So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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