It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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