Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
