my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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