he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just gargled with NyQuil
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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