I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.â€
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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