my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
