my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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