the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
