omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
