Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
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she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
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I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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