Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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