When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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