i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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