why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
