i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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