I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
