just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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