i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
