I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I want her autograph on my taint
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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