You just made me feel so damn special
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
