if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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