Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
