at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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