even my farts smell like vagina
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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