So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
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I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
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I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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