Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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