just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
