My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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