I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
