I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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