so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
