I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
