just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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