He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
