I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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