My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My day in three words: secret purse cake
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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