i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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