so explain again why im purple
no
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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