There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There's always time for handjobs
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
