Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
